introduction
“When the eyes are closed the real world begins”.
Gore Vidal. The City and the Pillar. 1948.
How I think, act, speak and appear at this time is not necessarily as it will be the next day, month or year. So will it be for you dear reader. Our sense of self that begins with the exodus from the womb also gives birth to the illusion of a seamless linear time. From point X in time to point Y, what we experience is largely that part of our being that is 'I', but this is not self....Change, internal and external of ourselves is perpetual. On a deep physiological level the cells of our skeletal structure completely replace themselves approximately every twelve weeks. We move the same, feels the same and yet twelve weeks previous it did not exist and will no longer exist in the coming months. Add to this accumulated list of perpetual gain and loss, hair, teeth, experiences, memories, family etc.... The same dynamism happens in the development of our psyche. A continuing process of growth and change we remain oblivious of until our existence is threatened. Then our being is reduced to a singularity, 'I', only concerned for its continued existence.
I choose not to be a passive observer of my life. The path that has be chosen to do this is unusual in the least, and in many ways I feel that both free will and fate have brought me to the point that finds you actually reading these words as I have just written them. The method I have gone about this to look deep into my unconscious. More precisely to document the unconscious at play while the body sleeps, namely dreams. What is contained within these pages is a personal diary. Not a diary of the activities of the waking world of the senses. Rather, it is an attempt to describe and understand the imagery of dreams that the unconscious creates and relate them to the dominant form of awareness. The world of the senses, the waking world. Superficially, this glimpse into the dream world is a jumble of random and at times nonsensical images and sense impressions. But at a deeper level when one comes to understand the language that the dream speaks it becomes a vehicle into wisdom and self-knowledge.
As an undertaking it contains the sense impressions of the world around us. A vignette of our lives containing the thoughts and events of our lives that the writer holds to be of deep significance and of personal relevance. As a personal account in words they can express our most intimate thoughts. Collected over time, they become a vehicle for reflection, of our joys and fears and hope for the future. Because they are also personal, something to be keep hidden, it’s secrets to be revealed only to its author.
To further develop this theme of searching for an underlying 'self'. Imagine you have found the diary of a friend. Do you read it? Can you be confident that written into its pages is not anything pertaining to yourself? If so, would it be complementary or critical? You take a risk of being psychologically and emotionally wounded by reading the diary. Either way the writer will not share the same sense of self image that your have of yourself. Taking a chance you read anyway. “This is not me, I am not like that”. Indignant, perhaps even mad at the words revealed in the pages before you. Without realising it you stand confronted by those undeveloped parts of the self you never acknowledged or was aware existed. But through fear of self and defence of ego you refuse to acknowledge this underlying ‘other self’.
But now there are two of you, a duality. The conscious ‘self’ reading the words before you and the other in the pages that reflects back an image of you so recognisable but one you never thought existed. Like standing before a mirror that one finds in a carnival funhouse, every mirror a reflection of ‘your’ self-image as perceived by other people. In one reflection you are too fat, in another you are absurdly thin. In another reflection, you appear to have an elongated neck, in another a flattened head. In still another image you have next to no body. Yet there you are, standing in front of these bizarre reflections, fully recognisable but bearing little resemblance to the ego driven part of your being that is called ‘I’. Self-image shaken the question needs to be asked, if I am not who I believe myself to be, then who am I? This ‘I’ is the face we present to others, our persona. It is the mask we wear for the outside world and like all masks, its image is only a representation. Theatrically and culturally, a mask is an outward exaggeration of psychic and emotional states. Psychologically the persona masks our hopes, fears and anxieties. Refusing to acknowledge or confront these inner functions the process of individualisation and transformation remains stagnant.
Consciously they manifest themselves as neuroses, anxieties, even psychosis. They are the creators of those dysfunctional and self-destructive parts of our being. All our addictions and fetishes are the physical forms of those unaddressed issues and conflicts. Dreams also are the unconscious manifestation of all that is repressed and of all that is potential. Dreams, especially the nightmare can have a profound effect on the individual. There is no escaping the dark phantasms that come in the night. The dream can become a reality that provokes fear and terror, jolting the dreamer awake in a cold sweat. A sudden awakening that even the most outwardly brave and strong has no power resist. Truly the body is the servant of the mind. These haunting images can linger for days or even weeks. A word, a gesture, a smell or sound can draw the nightmare images from the depths of the unconscious into the waking mind. Individuals do not like to face up to their darker nature. Those shadowy entities, many created by ourselves that lie deep within the unconscious. However it is only by confronting them that one can also bath in the light that also lives within.
This is an autobiography of the inner world of the unconscious. The feelings, emotions and memories over the last twelve years are contained within these pages. For within this book all the characters in their ever evolving state are representative of those inner functions we need to understand. Summoned forth from the realm of the unconscious world, they manifest themselves. Their language is unknown, but not unknowable. Here, in the dream world of the psyche, time, space and causality are redefined. Existing independent of the sensory world but interdependent of the dreamer whose life provides much of the ‘props’ that are used as a vehicle for dream imagery. There is no structured plot, the characters role is dynamic and not determined. The end could be the beginning. No longer do you exist as self-image projected on the outside world. Like light through a prism the self become fractal, each a part of the whole. This is a place where our perception of time is not constrained by the limitations of our senses. Here I am reminded of the words of William Blake;
To see the World in a grain of sand,
And a Heaven in a wild flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hands,
And Eternity in an hour”.
This quote illustrates perfectly the world of the dream. On these pages then, to coin a well worn phrase, I am literally ‘bearing my soul’.
Hidden behind the facade of the waking world lies this separate reality. This is a reality, as real as the sensory world is real containing inexhaustible landscapes and diverse characters. Many of such richness and of a bizarre nature that no computer game or film can ever conceive to capture their qualities. The images and language of the dream are a inflection of the conscious world. This may sound like a contrary statement. But since I commence writing in 1986 I have come to believe that there is a mutual co-dependence or symbiotic relationship between the two. We do not come into the world as a blank slate. Carl Jung suggested that all human beings inherit a collective unconscious by which the individual not only inherits his own past but the past of the species as well. DNA, which contains the collective blueprint of the physiology of humanity also contains the memory of millions of years of evolutionary development of the psyche. Beneath the layers the conscious world of the senses lies the storehouse of the collective unconscious. Here resides the world of the archetype.
By definition the archetype can be described as a ‘root mythological motif common to all humanity’. The Shadow, the Hero, the Wise Man, the Underworld and the Great Goddess are example representations. The major arcana of the Tarot corresponds loosely to various archetypal images. Living deep within the psyche, they are expressed in the stories, myths and saga’s that historically lie at the root of different cultures. Though in the dream state they clothe themselves in the familiar, by their actions they are that of the stranger. Outwardly may of these are stories familiar to us. The biblical fall and expulsion from Eden of Adam and Eve who dared to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. The wives of Bluebeard, forbidden to open the door to the secret chamber, found it to contain the corpses of former wives whose curiosity was to be their undoing. The myth of Pandora’s Box, tempted to see into the chest bought from heaven. Only on lifting, the lid did she find she had released all of mankind’s ills and afflictions contained within.
Within the mind these myths and legends become symbols of the collective and personal unconscious. Signpost guiding; and cautioning the individual towards emotional and spiritual maturity through the stages of life. Someone is always willing to turn the key, open the door or lift the lid on the hidden and darker regions of being. Outwardly, this voyeurism is the very thing that drives tabloid journalism. A superficial look into the private world of individuals whose lives are falsely held up to be of more interest, or more rightly, to possess a greater worth than our own because of their economic and media preeminence. But neither the celebrity and certainly not the tabloid journalist are willing to show to the world those regions within the self that are consciously or unconsciously hidden from view. For deep within the psyche one would only find the same repressed emotions, neurosis and anxieties shared by so many individuals. Trying to understand these representation of myths and symbols in dreams is like learning another language. To paraphrase the Persian mystic Al Ghazali: ‘the unconscious is like an ocean which covers various types of jewels and valuables’.
But these archetypal images is not static. Like our lives they grow and develop, changing over time. Only now after twelve years of documenting my night journeys am I now developing a relationship with them, beginning to understand the nuances of the language they speak. They are, to draw on a previous analogy like the mirrors in a funhouse, each archetype a reflection of a different aspect of the self. Reading this book one will notice re-occurring themes and characters, much of it filled with obscurities, enigmatic sentences and esoteric references. Many dreams have been confronting, others exhilarating and others just mundane. The most volatile encounters over the years has been with a phantasm I will call ‘the Evil Entity’, many others have been spiritually rejuvenating. Dominant themes have been the Underworld, ‘the Black Wing’, UFO’s and an abundance of religious and mystical imagery.
This book comprises of two journals. The first covers the period from September 1986 to January 1990. The second May 1993 to December 2000. The inspiration for the Dream Diary was a result of my discovery of the works of pioneering analytical psychologist Carl Gustav Jung who died six months before my birth. In the spring of 1985 in a Fremantle Bookshop I first picked up a copy of the book ‘Man and his Symbols’. The concepts and jargon contained within it pages seemed so alien and yet as I read through the pages, the text and the illustration struck a deep accord within me. I decided I was not just going to read the book, I wanted try to understand the language it spoke.
My reading horizon expanded with the discovery of Jung’s Collected Works. Largely inaccessible to the average reader, the published selections I did read and re read proved far more daunting but no less interesting. So absorbed did I become, I found his influence manifesting itself in three significant dreams between 1986 and 1989. For several months previous to 1986 I procrastinated over the idea of beginning a dream diary. What I was dreaming was either uninteresting or I did not have the motivation to put pen to paper. On the morning of Saturday 9th of August 1986 I awoke from a dream with the powerful and vivid imagery of the ‘Flying Wing’. This reoccurring theme heralds the beginning of my inner journey.
By 1990 I felt that the journal had served its purpose and the enthusiasm to continue had waned. During the time between the journals I did continue to have dreams, impressive enough to write down on scraps of paper. Of these remnants I have only located two. These are to be found at the end of the book. Three year and three months later I was prompted again to write. As I recall I was having a succession of nights in which my dreams where both vivid and powerful. I continued to resist again writing until one night in May of 1993 I felt compelled to again write. This begins the second book.
By reading this the individual will not just gain an insight into the author’s mind. Rather, the reader will encounter images from the collective unconscious that have a resonance within their own psyche. Some emotionally confronting, others spiritually transformative. As archetypal images they are the representations of the connecting principles within the psyche that we all share. The key is recognising them, to use them positively as vehicles for inner growth and in the process of individualisation. For the sake of clarification a commentary has been provided where possible.
How to read this? As far as I know there has never been an autobiography of the unconscious mind published and I do not know what genre of literature it would be at home in. This is not another book on ‘how to interpret your dreams’. It is a deconstruction of my inner world by someone whose background is in Humanities and Social Sciences. The commentary and analysis is not that of a professional psychologist. As an autobiography, it does not progress though a chronological series of events to some predetermined destination or event. It is more akin to a matrix. Past and present, inner and outer world mutually dependent for their continued existence.
Though not trained as a Jungian Analyst I am not unfamiliar with the concepts as pioneered by C.G.Jung, particularly the ‘inner’ roles of religion, myth and symbols. The knowledge I have gained over the years has made its way into the research and dissertations associated with my studies. My principle area of interest is in the myths and symbols of Indic forms of religious belief and mystical practices. Much of its symbolism has been internalised and is easily identifiable throughout the dreams. This has also manifests itself in poetry that on the personal level has a numinous quality about it. Of these I have include two in the appendix that literally ‘wrote themselves’ with little or no conscious intervention on my part.
As well as provide a conventional index I have created an appendix of reoccurring themes, images and characters. These are ordered by date so the reader may discover for themselves the development of associations and themes. The asterisk (*) after the date denotes dreams of rich symbolic imagery, many of which are associated with evoking strong emotional responses. Allowing for grammatical correction, the dreams presented here in print form are an accurate representation of my written journals. I have not elaborated on names and places from the waking world unless to provided further information to the dream. Similarly I have used footnotes where I have felt a point of clarification was needed or to develop an insight or association. Some remain cryptic and I either cannot or have not yet developed the skills to understand them. However in written form the dream becomes relegated to memory and not part of the flotsam the mind disposes of as unnecessary baggage over time. What I find does happen is that because I have written them down, days, weeks and sometimes months can go by. Then like a satori experience, something in the waking world will trigger an insight into a particular dream and thus an understanding further develops.
Having come so far I feel it is only proper that I continue my inner journey to its ultimate destination, namely the conclusion of my own life. For within dreams there is also an anticipatory or prognostic function. It is not uncommon with the approach of death for the collective unconscious to prepare the conscious mind for the transition into the after death state with dreams of ecstatic and visionary archetypal imagery. Besides, there is nothing more irritating than getting half way through a good story and not knowing how it ends. In conclusion what is contained within these pages is foremost a personal journey, but it is also the journey of every man and woman to at some time in their lives to encounter this inner self.
I invite the reader to journey with their own imagination through the field and forest, suburbs and cities, heavens and underworlds of the collective and personal unconscious of my inner world.
J.P.S.
August 1999.